It’s 2015! You know what that means? Every day your private, personal sex tapes are more likely to LEAK and GO VIRAL and BE SEEN BY MILLIONS! So… you might as well make sure it looks good! It’s not easy becoming Pam Anderson or Kim Kardashian…the odds are more likely to be Tom Sizemore-ish, but follow these tips to create the ultimate sex tape!
1. Point Of View May Be Safe…
…but it’s not hot. It seems common sense: unless you have a tattoo of E.T. on your ass, a “faceless” video keeps you safe from being recognized. It’s also as unsexy as whapping two raw chickens together for the camera. Unless you’re turned on by the sounds of white meat slapping together, invest in a tripod.
Artist’s rendering
2. Oil + Lighting = Shiny Success! (Succsex!)
Haven’t been to the gym lately? You could be a bottle of baby oil and a tilted lampshade away from looking like the Greek God you know you are inside! (Hermes, for example.) Every muscle pops and gleams, you’re well lit (nothing worse than missing penetration in those sneaky shadows!), and you got a perfect lube nearby! (Plastic sheets on beds or couches are discouraged; you WILL miss mid-thrust, glide like a slip-n-slide, and go head first through a wall).
3. MUSIC!
Now that we’ve got some greasy sloppy sexiness going on, you need to drown out the noise! Refer to our own Songs To Get It On To for great suggestions (and sub in some WHITE ZOMBIE if you like it heavy. PERFECT humping tempo.)
4. Assume the Position!
Professionals use extreme positioning to really showcase your sexy bits, so take some notes about what’ll work best for your fornication from your favorite fuck flicks !
Here’s a sample labeled, “Beginner.”
5. Consider Some “Outside Help”
Just hire a dude to shoot it. The economy’s bad, you can find someone for like ten bucks. Consult Craigslist, or one of those freaks on Tumblr. You get the best possible quality and camera-coverage. This is YOUR SEX TAPE! The one that will entertain you long after your partner has left, and will emotionally scar your grandchildren after you pass away, don’t skimp on the quality!
And finally…
6. Convincing Your Partner
After prepping all this, it is finally time to sell your partner on the idea. If they’re a freak, they’ll probably have past attempts to reference and improve their performance! If they’re hesitant, try and flatter them (“You look like a movie star, you’re gonna look like a god/dess on film. You’ll look just like Robert Pattinson/Mila Kunis/Robert Duvall!”)
The camera sometimes adds ten pounds…and 45 years…
